Being back into regular university business really is a good thing. I enjoy it to have my head spinning with ideas and thoughts, to get input that makes me stop and reflect.
I’m taking a course in modernist / postmodern literature this term. Besides having an amazing lecturer, this is a period I can relate to very easily. You may think: well, of course you can, because it’s a period that’s within a timeframe that one can grasp. The 18th century, or even medieval literature are much more alien to us. But truth to be told, you always have to adjust your mind to get to the ideas behind a period, even if it’s only 20 years ago.
What I find most intriguing yet also slightly unsettling is the deconstruction of the idea of a holistic self. The notion that you are always yourself, always the same, recognizable person. With the ideas of Freud and Jung, with daily life becomming so much faster, with different ideas of time and space, people suddenly found themselves kicked out of this seemingly secure spot that was their self. They suddenly found that there wasn’t only one version of a person, but many. You are never only one thing. While I’m certainly a student, I’m also a tutor for other students, I’m a friend, a daughter, a colleague. While I’m the woman (or girl? Who can tell?) who securely walks around the floors at university and has no issues speaking up in courses, I’m also the insecure lady who has issues to trust, who doesn’t always feel safe and happy within her own body and mind.
But there’s more than the different roles we take on. There’s the fact that, while I’m certainly living in the present and try to enjoy most of it, I’m also constantly reflecting my past and anticipating my future. Modern life more or less forces you to do so, because without looking ahead while being in the present, the speed of our lives will just swallow us.
Modernist and also postmodern literature tries to capture all these things. Whether they take a pessimistic view or try to ridicule certain aspects of modern life, whether they embrace modernity (whatever that may be) or long for long gone times and pastoral quiet, they offer way more than the story that you can read on the surface.
While I enjoy reading Jane Austen, Julian Barnes or John Fowles give me much more to feed my mind on. They challenge me and my thinking. They make me go deeper, and while they often confuse me, they help me to ask questions that are crucial to recognizing all the persons that I am.
Apparently, many of these ideas and thoughts also can be translated into our style persona. Most women have a work and a private self. Most women confuse themselves because they suddenly feel the yearning to wear sky-high stilettos and black leather while usually, they are the cowboy boots and dress type. In a certain way, we all are schizophrenic. But that’s not a bad thing. It just means that we explore more deeply who we are and who we can be.
In the end, it boils down to being able to recognize the core of all this. No matter how many different versions of ourselve we are comprised of, I’m totally opposed to the idea that the self is totally deconstructed. All the parts still contribute to one person. You, me, your neighbour, your boss… Whoever. Every aspect and every dimension that a person has adds interest. For me, it’s not defragmentation. It’s realizing the whole in the parts and the parts as the whole.
